Shrek (rewrite)
by trishathetrashywriter
Summary: This is a rewrite of the movie based on my misunderstandings from when I watched the movie as a child. Unlike my other fics composed entirely of misheard dialogue, this does not come off as humorous. Copyright goes to Dreamworks.


"Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of—"

Shrek flushed the toilet.

 _Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me_

 _I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed_

 _She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger in her thumb and the shape of an "L" on her forehead_

 _The years start comin', and they don't stop comin'_

G _et to the rules and I hit the ground runnin'_

 _Didn't make sense not to live for fun_

 _Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb_

 _So much to do, so much to see, so what's wrong with takin' the backseat_

 _You'll never know if you don't go,_

 _You'll never shine if you don't glow_

 _Hey, now, you're an all-star._

 _Get your game on, go play_

 _Hey, now, you're a rock star_

 _Get the show on, get paid_

 _And all that glitters is gold_

O _nly shootin' stars break the mold_

 _It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder,_

 _you're bundled up now,_ _b_ _ut wait till you get older_

 _But the media men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture_

 _The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin_

 _The water's getting warm so you might as well swim_

 _My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?_

 _T_ _hat's the way I like it and I'll never get bored._

 _Hey, now, you're an all-star._

 _Get your game on, go play_

 _Hey, now, you're a rock star_

 _Get the show on, get paid_

 _And all that glitters is gold_

 _Only shootin' stars break the mold._

 _Hey, now, you're an all-star_

 _Get your game on, go play_

 _Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid_

 _And all that glitters is gold_

 _Only shootin' stars break the mold._

"Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it! _"_ said a villager.

"Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you?" said another.

"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!"

"Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant," said Shrek from behind. They turned around. "Now, ogres— they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin."

"No!"

"They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast," said Shrek.

"Back! Back, beast! I'm warnin' ya!" said a villager, waving his torch near Shrek.

Shrek put out the fire.

They gasped and looked at the torch.

"Right," said the villager.

Shrek then roared and put out all the torches and everyone screamed.

"This is the part... where you run away," whispered Shrek.

They ran off screaming.

Shrek chuckled.

"And stay out!"

He noticed a poster on the ground.

"Wanted. Fairy Tale Creatures," he read. He sighed and let go of it.

The next day, fairy tale creatures were being turned in.

 _"Hi ho, it's an enemy..."_ sang the seven dwarves in chains.

"Give me that! Your fine days are over," said a guard.

"That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!" said the knight at the desk.

"This cage is too small," whined Baby Bear.

"Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!" said Donkey.

"Oh, shut up," said the old woman and hit him.

"Next! What have you got?" said the knight as a man came to Pinocchio down at the table.

"This little wooden puppet," said the man.

"I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy," said Pinocchio.

"Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away," said the knight.

"Fabro, please! Don't let them do this!" said Pinnochio.

"Next."

"Help me!"

"What have you got?"

"I've got a talking donkey," said the woman.

"Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it," he said.

"Oh, go ahead, little fella," said the woman.

"Well?" said the knight.

"Oh, oh, he's just— He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dog—"

"That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!"

"No, no, he talks! He does," she said. "I can talk. I love talk." she made Donkey say, before making him say some something unintelligible that no one understood.

"Get her out of my sight," said the guard.

"No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!"

She accidentally knocked Tinkerbell's cage out of Peter Pan's hands, and it landed on Donkey.

Donkey gasped.

"Hey, I can fly!" said Donkey.

"He can fly!" said Peter Pan.

"He can fly!" said the Three Little Pigs.

"He can talk!" said the knight.

"That's right, fool! I'm a _flying,_ talking donkey. You may have seen a house fly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly, haha!"

The pixie dust started to wear off.

"Uh oh..." said Donkey.

He fell to the ground.

"Seize him!"

The knight and guards started chasing him until he bumped into Shrek.

Donkey gave him a frightened look, then ran and hid behind the tree Shrek was leaning on.

The knight and guards caught up to them.

"You there! Ogre!"

"Aye?" said Shrek.

"By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest, and transport you to a designated, resettlement... facility..." he said, getting more and more nervous as Shrek closed in on him.

 **"** Oh, really? You in what army?" said Shrek.

He turned his head to see his guards were gone and gasped, then ran away with a whimper.

"Can I say somethin' to you? Listen, you was really, really somethin' back there. Incredible!" said Donkey.

"Are you talkin' to-"

He turned his head and tried to see Donkey.

"...me?"

Donkey came out of nowhere.

"Whoa!" said Shrek.

"Yes, I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you was great back there? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, then bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the whoopers. That really made me feel good to see that," said Donkey.

Shrek wondered what whoopers were and what babes would be doing in them.

"Oh, that's great. Really," replied Shrek.

"Man, it's good to be free," said Donkey.

"Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?" said Shrek.

"But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the shit out of anybody that crosses us."

Fed up, Shrek turned around and roared.

"Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks! Man, you almost burned the hell outta me now, just like the time—"

Shrek covered Donkey's mouth and he mumbled. Shrek uncovered his mouth. "...and then I ate some rotten berries, and, man, I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day."

"Why... are you following me?" asked Shrek in annoyance.

"I'll tell you why," said Donkey then began to sing. "'Cause I'm all alone. There's no one here beside me. My problems have all gone, there's no one to deride in me. But you gotta have friends—"

"Stop... singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends," said Shrek.

"Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest," said Donkey.

"Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?"

"Uh... Really tall?"

"No! I'm an ogre. You know. 'Grab your torch and pitchforks.' Doesn't that bother you?"

"Nope."

"Really?

"Really, really."

 **"** Oh."

"Man, I like you. What's your name?

"Uh, Shrek," said Shrek hesitantly.

"Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right." They soon came across Shrek's swamp. "Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to like in a place like that?"

"That would be my home."

"Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?"

"I like my privacy," said Shrek.

"You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hit, and they won't leave... and then there's that big awkward silence, you know?"

There was a moment of silence.


End file.
